i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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