I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
