He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
