I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
