I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Come on in and take your pants off
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