I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
