I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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