If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
