I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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