guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
