I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
