non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize