Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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