im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
