wanna go halves on a baby?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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