just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You made out with two different species that night
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
