dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
