I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
