There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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