Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You pole danced in your parka.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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