just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
