I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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