Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
