is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You need Xanax blowdarts
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
