He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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