just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
