Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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