Reggie can tackle my bush.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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