I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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