your thong is hanging out like whoa
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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