I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
