I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
