in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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