I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
