Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
