I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
