My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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