I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You dont lie about slip and slides
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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