Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Screwed.edu
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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