I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
