you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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