He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
