If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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