I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
