I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
