What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
