I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
