I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
