need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
