Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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