What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
