they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
