My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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