WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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