I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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